Shelly Watters is made epic when it comes to hosting contests, and this time is no exception. Starting today, she’s letting us all participate in the Made of Awesome Contest. Head over to Shelly’s blog for details if you haven’t been there already.
I know I’ve subjected many of you to this poor opening many times, so I apologize if it’s getting a little tired. But…it is my finished novel and I do hope to get it right one of these days, so below is the first 250 words.
Title: Uriel’s Fall
Genre: Contemporary Fantasy
Word Count: 75,000
250 Word Sample
Edit: Revision 2 Thanks everyone for the great input so far. I don’t know that I’ve completely corrected the issues with it being too telly/purple prosed, but I’m hoping this is closer. I’m having internet problems so I haven’t been able to come give feedback, but I’m hoping to get out there today ^_^. Here’s my revision:
Mortality wasn’t the epic adventure Ronnie had imagined. She paused near the kitchen of the small diner where she worked, blowing black bangs out of her eyes, and resisted the urge to take off her worn sneaker to rub her foot. Supposedly that kind of thing was unsanitary. She didn’t get what the big deal was. It wasn’t like she let the dirt stick to her hands. How gross would that be?
Invisible flame sliced her skin like razors, pushing away the emotion of everyone else and distracting her from her sore feet. She focused, resisting the urge to whimper in pain. Normally she adored that her empathy allowed her to feel others emotions physically. Contentment brushing her cheeks with rose petals or joy on her lips like raindrops. It was one of the perks of being an angel in a physical form. But she was so getting tired of the creepy void guy who came in day after day and sat in the corner sucking all feeling from the room.
He’s back, a voice whispered. Ronnie forced it aside, not interested in the muttering of the captured demons sharing her mind. She scanned Formica tables and vinyl benches until she spotted the source of the pain across the room. At least he wasn’t in her section that day.
He’s like Ace. That voice was always loudest. Not worth your attention. Focus. Gentleman on table twelve. The others ran together until she couldn’t tell them apart.
Hiya,
As a fellow contestant, I’m here to review your entry for the Awesome Contest:)
First impression: Ronnie is an angel who shares her mind with a demon (so I’m assuming the demon is inside her), and she works at a diner. What really stands out to me is the humour and strong voice. So nice work.
Needing some love: In the opening paragraph, I wasn’t sure how the caress of rain was a benefit of being immortal? I get the whispers part, so maybe either explain the rain or use something more relevant for her. The words: ‘it obliterated the emotions’ is a bit confusing and seems like overwritten. Also the last sentence of the third paragraph was a bit hard to follow and I had to re-read – suggest smoothing it out.
What I liked: The humour, esp the part where she wanted to take her shoes off in the diner and knowing it would be frowned upon… had me smiling. The hook is the demon whispering in her ears, and I want to know what it said, so I’ll keep reading.
Best of luck in the contest:)
Here’s mine: http://tfwalsh.wordpress.com/2011/05/28/made-of-awesome-contest/
This is a fantastic opening. Ronnie’s voice is already so clear, and I like it! I’m already sucked in, wanting to know more about why she’s in a human form, and what the purpose of her empathy is. I also want to know why she has demons sharing her head!
Just one small technical thing you might want to look at…
When she took a physical form (comma) the sensations manifested physically.
Great job! You know how to hook a reader. I’d definitely keep going.
I really liked Ronnie’s voice and I think the premise of an angel in physical form is very interesting. I would definitely keep reading to see how her heightened empathy affects her. One thing when you said it wasn’t so great I would amp that up a little, since she did have to avoid whimpering in pain. I would guess that feeling a person’s emotions in a super-strong way would be ecstasy and agony, so I would make that dichotomy stronger. The voice is really great though, I am already hooked.
the first sentence is steallar and sets the scene perfectly. i would agree to the earlier post that mentioned some of the sentences were “overwritten” i am guilty of this myself often. it made some of the reading choppy and i found myself rereading sentences…this can be a good thing every so often, but not in each paragraph. I want to know more about how the empathy effects her and who the man is that she should forget…so good job i’m hooked!
doug esper
http://www.douglasesper.com
The first commenter did exactly what I did – first read “mortality” to mean “immortality” – oops!
Is it “plusses”? I think so. Also, in the third paragrph, the narrative takes me out of the moment a little. Is there another way you could show that she’s taking on someone’s emotions without telling us exactly what’s going on? Just a thought…good job and good luck!
erica
@Everyone – thanks for the input so far, I’ll see what I can touch up ^_^
@Erica & Christy – two different dictionaries told me two different things on pluses, not sure…and I agree with you on the third paragraph, I’m still trying to figure out how to correct it…
I’ll stop by everyone’s posts as soon as I can later today ^_^
I really like the humor it gave me a great sense of Ronnie’s voice. I agree with other comments about the first paragraph. I am intrigued by Ronnie and want to find out what is going on. Great job and good luck!
I love Ronnie’s voice and I’m curious why an angel would share her mind with a demon.
There is a little bit of purple prose. The first sentence of the third paragraph, for example. I also think you could show that paragraph better because, as it stands, it’s a bit tell-y.
I would keep reading. Good job and good luck!
This isn’t my thing, but I just wanted to let you know that I really like the idea of an angel working in a diner.
Very interesting concept! I like your first line.
You’re first line is great! I like the idea of an angel taking on mortality with demons in her head. The last sentence of the second paragraph interrupted the flow for me. I had to go back and reread the paragraph to figure out you meant he was sucking out the contentment. I wonder if you couldn’t take it out.
Good luck!
Oooh interesting! I definitely want to read on. I like the voice a lot. Feels real.
I love the opening line about mortality being an adventure. Very intriguing.
I think if you tweak per the suggestions of the comments above, it’ll be great.
Thanks for sharing! Good luck!
Good voice to the first page. My only suggestion is to see if you can the “to be” verb out of the first sentence to make it a bit more dynamic.
Nicely done.
I like the way you reveal the MC here. But I have a problem with this one paragraph: “Invisible flame sliced her skin like razors, pushing away the emotion of everyone else and distracting her from her sore feet. She focused, resisting the urge to whimper in pain. She adored that her empathy allowed her to feel others emotions physically. Contentment brushing her cheeks with rose petals or joy on her lips like raindrops. It was one of the perks of being an angel in a physical form. But she was so getting tired of the creepy void guy who came in day after day and sat in the corner sucking all feeling from the room.” Seems like she’s experiencing heaven and hell at the same time and it reads a little disorienting.
I like this revision you’ve worked through 🙂 Just thought I’d say!
Good revisions. They cleared up the pre-existing problems. I am still intrigued by Ronnie and want to know why she has demons in her head and who Ace is. Good luck!
I really can’t say more than what anyone else has already said. I really like the way you started this, and I’m intrigued to read on. Great job!
Not much I can add. I like this. Keep writing.
I really like this! The demon in an angel’s mind is a cool twist. Love the first sentence. Then I felt a disconnect between the first and second sentence. Perhaps tie the two together somehow by explaining how un-epic working in a diner is? Also, I dropped out of the story a bit with the invisible flame part – is that the feeling she gets when the creepy guy comes in? I think that’s what you mean, but I had to read it a few times.
Nice voice and writing. I would definitely read on. Great job and good luck!