Scroll down for an early morning rambling and some updated information about #RANDOMfest. But this..
Brenda Drake is hosting an awesome blogfest/contest for the next three days. The premise sounded simple enough when I signed – I post the first sentence of my finished story and then go critique other first sentences from other participants. Once I’ve received lots of helpful feedback, I go post a revised/final version of it on Brenda’s blog. On Wednesday morning early, the contest closes and there are epic prizes available for the top three entrants. (like critiques from the awesome Weronika Janczuk, from D4EO Literary).
It sounded simple enough. Until I read my first sentence of my finished manuscript. One sentence is so very little to go off of. But, I’m in anyway. Sentence is below:
Title: Uriel’s Fall
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Cherub existed in the ether, absorbing the day-to-day of her creator’s heaven.
Revision:
After reading the comments that have come in, I’ve revised this a little. here’s my newest working revision:
Cherub wished it had a name to define it beyond its station: a label to give it shape and form like the angels it admired from a distance.
Revision two:
Still tweaking and refining based on some fantastic comments. Here’s my newest version:
Cherubim longed for a name; a label to give it shape and definition like the seraphim it admired from a distance.
I loved the contest idea. Wish I had a novel finished so I could enter as well but maybe some other time.
As for the first sentence here… It’s okay but doesn’t really stand out. I like the idea of the cherub and ether existence. It’s a short sentence too so can only do so much within the length. Not that short is bad. This one just doesn’t quite have the punch that I think the contest is geared towards. But I bet I’d read further so no worries there.
I like your sentence, it has good atmosphere. But if you’re going for something besides atmosphere then you might want to start with something else.
Easier said than done, let me tell you! Opening my manuscripts always gives me conniption fits.
Is Cherub the name of the character or are you referencing that particular brand of angel? The meaning and punch of the sentence really changes based on which it is. If it is the character’s name perhaps give them a last name to make it clear that is it a character.
It does give an immediate sense of atmosphere. A little polishing, and little tightening and it could work really well.
I also wonder if Cherub’s your character’s name or the type of angel, you will need to make that more obvious. It does set the tone of the novel and peaks curiosity.
Thanks for your feedback all – Cherub is both. A name and a type of angel. They’re all called Cherub, they don’t get names. But that gets explained in about two or three sentences from now ^_^
I’m not sure what “absorbing the day-to-day” means. But, I would read more!
I like the abstract quality of this imagery…plus it’s directly relating the character’s perspective–NICE!
This has a kind of Ayn Rand quality to it. Very spooky!
I like the revised version much better!
The info I want to know next is how cherub exists without form, what kind of a being cherub is. Good luck:)
Cherub wished it had a name to define it beyond its station: a label to give it shape and form like the angels it admired from a distance.
I’m noticing “it” five times in one sentence, which feels very awkward to me. Is Cherub androgynous?
I’d also caution against using colons. Perhaps a semi-colon or a comma would work better.
With a little tweaking, I think you could really show us this character’s longing.
Thanks for sharing.
Yeah, your revision is way cool. I love it.
Thank you all for your feedback so far – this has been so helpful, and for anyone just getting here, I’m still open to suggestions ^_^
I like the revision, too. It gives me more insight into the character. Good job!
yeah, I didn’t feel that the original was all that gripping. But the revision is a lot more so! 🙂
Not to throw a wrench in your revisions, but I really liked the original. The revisions confuse me – Cherubim is a label just like seraphim, so I’m not really seeing the difference or sympathizing with the longing here. The atmosphere in the first sentence sets the tone nicely to me.
Your final revision is my favorite. Cherub is a little too cute for me, but Cherubim is good. The day to day stuff is very vague, but a specific longing I can understand and empathize with. Tension is also forming, from the differences between the two types of angels.
I can’t quite get a grasp on what’s happening here. But it also seems like your character can’t either so that feeling I’m getting is probably incredibly accurate.
Good job!