It’s been a while since I let one of my characters post, but Rae is traumitized right now. Her head’s not on quite straight because, hey, torturing my characters is fun like that ^_^ So…I thought I’d let her think it all through publicly.
Rae
There’s a rush that comes with being spontaneous. An adrenaline high that can’t be matched by anything except maybe a couple of grams of something not street legal. The brain whirls and the mind spins and all that matters is the moment. Achieving that pinnacle of release. That finale that brings it all together and makes it real. Visceral. Alive.
And then it’s all said and done, and you wonder why you dove in. Maybe it was fun. Maybe it was a disaster. But it didn’t turn out the way it should have, that’s for sure. Because after the rush wears off, reality always sets in. The consequences are easier to see with the gift of hindsight.
It’s at that point you realize that maybe it wasn’t a good idea. It rarely happens beforehand. While the fun is still going on. It’s an afterthought. A guilt. A growing concern that maybe you should have used your head before everything spiraled out of control.
That’s where I am. In the middle of an epic wash of hindsight that does me no good because the wheels have already been set in motion.
So what, right? I learn from my mistakes. I move on. No one cares what Rae did or didn’t do last week, or last month, or last night, right? Except me. And the people I did it with. And the people it impacted. Go me.
At least I didn’t do anything illegal. It borders on immoral and toes the line of unethical, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t cross either line. I didn’t kill my boss. Or sleep with him. Gawd, how horrific would that be?
And I’m a mess over it. I’ll paint you a picture. Ten years ago I graduated high school. It was a pretty epic event for me because, well, I almost flunked out like fifty times. Or maybe three. Whatever. I’m pretty sure I only graduated because my teachers didn’t want to hold anyone back. Heaven forbid I be required to prove I was intelligent. But I didn’t complain then and I’m not now.
I left behind a lot I didn’t miss. Class. Jocks. Snotty choir groups. The list goes on. I left behind two things I missed terribly: my best friend and his. Two guys I loved for very different reasons, though I don’t think one of them ever knew it.
But life goes on and memories fade and you had sure as hell better believe I didn’t write my master’s thesis about their now multi-million dollar company just because I was still nursing a childish crush. Of course not. Their company did something very few ever did. Perfect opportunity to find out why, right? It had nothing to do with pretending they were back in my life.
Which is why when my baby sister started working for them (and I promise to all that’s holy I didn’t pull any strings), I got one of those sick, anxious feelings in my gut that refused to be quieted. I swore I wouldn’t be the one to make the first move. I never even mentioned to Nat that I knew them. Scott met her once when she was little, but who remembers the siblings, right?
Him, apparently. Asked her for my info, and that made me grin. Scott’s my best friend. Yeah, I know, how do I say that when we didn’t speak for almost a decade? It’s always comfortable with him, though. It’s too easy.
That’s the problem. He likes me. Like, like likes me. And it’s so easy to sink into flirting and leaning on him. And more. There was a lot more. Not like that. Except there was everything but. And it’s taken us a while to make things right again. To figure out that the physical fling probably wasn’t the best idea for either of us. And he’s been a good sport about the whole thing. Pretending to understand, to still be there for me, to try and continue the friendship despite awkwardness.
What’s the big deal? I screwed his best friend. A decade-old fantasy realized after another round of verbal sparring that left me simultaneously frustrated and aroused. And now I have to break the news before he finds out from someone else.
*Sigh*. I think I have a phone call to make.
