I stumbled on this at about 2 am. Which is insane because I have to be up to get ready for work at five. Or six. Or maybe seven. Anyway…I thought it was perfect because
- I just finished week 1 of MarNo along with a great group of authors, and I can use that piece
- I like posting snippets of my work ^_^
- I love meeting new people and these blog fests always give me that opportunity
The concept is simple. I post the first 550 or so words of my current WIP (in this case, Serious Game 2.0), and ask for critique and opinion on whether or not it catches the reader’s eye. Because we all know, you don’t have very many words to hook an agent or an editor.
Longer/private critiques can be emailed. I have a Contact Me page now that has things like my email, Twitter, and author Facebook page on it. And when I get to work, I’ll be starting the rounds to read what everyone else has because…I love reading stuff ^_^ If you’re reading this and not already planning on it, make sure you click the image and do the same.
Story…right…I don’t need lead-in because this is the first 550 words of the story so…enjoy!
Serious Game 2.0
Edited thanks to comments. Thank you to everyone who’s stopped by so far!
Zach pulled a shirt over his head as he walked, navigating the spiral staircase from memory. “Yeah, all right. I’m coming.” Loose strands of blond fell back into his eyes and he blew them away with irritation. He really needed a haircut. Might have already gotten one if Kelly had been there …he pushed the thought away. The failed not-engagement was the last thing he needed to be thinking about. For a moment he wondered if he should be wearing more than his pajamas, and decided he didn’t care. His private life was already public. It couldn’t get much worse.
He crossed the foyer, tile cool against his feet, wondering who was pounding on his door at seven thirty on a Saturday morning. He could see a shape through the frosted glass, but not make out a face. The curves were enough to put a smile on his face before he answered. The expression grew when the details came into focus.
His gaze traveled up her figure. A hint of turquoise whispered through her thin top. Her dirty blond hair was pulled into short pigtails on either side of her head, and her lips were pursed in irritation. Something about her was familiar and for a minute he worried she might be someone he’d done a one-night thing with. But that couldn’t be right. She didn’t look like the kind of girl who spent her nights in bars. “Can I help you?”
She looked him over, brown eyes wide, before ducking her head. A flush spread across her cheeks. “Is my sister here?”
His hopes of hitting on her dropped a notch. Sisters were always trouble. He paused, realizing he hadn’t brought anyone home the night before. “No, sorry.”
She tugged one of her pigtails and sighed. “Are you sure?”
He would have remembered getting laid. Or going out. And it wasn’t like he drank, so he hadn’t been wasted and just forgotten.
Behind him bare feet slapped against the floor. His renter, Mason, always walked with a heavy footfall. “Hey, sis,” Mason’s distinct alto bounced off the faux-suede walls.
Zach looked behind him, eyebrow raised. Sure, Mason had long hair, but he wasn’t a girl. He looked at his visitor again. “That’s your sister?”
She rolled her eyes, but was smirking. The rise and fall of her chest captivated him for a moment. She looked at Mason when she replied. “Have you seen Natalie? Mom and Dad are freaking out.”
When he heard the name, Zach knew why she looked familiar. Like Mason, Natalie worked for him. Except unlike Rae, Natalie dyed her hair black and kept her skin pale.
“She’s downstairs tea-bagging noobs,” Mason replied. “I’ll get her.”
“No, wai-” Her protest faded as he disappeared back into the basement. “Don’t bother,” she muttered. “It’ll take too long to pull her away.”
Mystery solved and cute girl available, Zach seized the opportunity. “Do you want to come in and wait? Unless you need to be somewhere.”
“Sorta, not really.” She was still tugging on her pigtail. “I mean, I need to call my mom so she stops panicking, and I seriously need coffee because I’m not safe on the roads this early without it.”
“In that case, I can’t let you leave.” He stepped aside and held the door open. “I have coffee.” He didn’t mention it was because it had been over almost two months since Kelly left and he still hadn’t bothered to cancel her coffee of the month membership.
Intriguing!
I like the way you toy with our expectations for a moment there. You had me wondering if Mason might be pretending to be a guy for some reason, or that Zach was too self- absorbed to have really looked at his room mate.
My only criticism would be that you focus too much on the clothes. It’s only 500 words or so, and a bunch of them are about what people are wearing. It’s not that important.
Hmm…I see what you’re saying. It’s actually a part of Max’s character…but something I don’t have to get into right now, but i can see how the other clothing descriptions might be getting in the way…I’ll see what I can do, and thank you ^_^ (I’ll be by your blog as soon as I can find good concentration time).
I’d be interested to find out what is going on. I’m still not sure if Mason is a guy or a girl though!
HMG
I too like the way you have written just enough for the reader to assume that Mason is a girl really. But then, find out otherwise.
Holly
I like the voice that comes through for the character, and an arrival on a doorstep is a good way to create interest. The description of the new arrival is a little odd, though, particularly in commenting on mannerisms. Those probably wouldn’t come through for several minutes.
I enjoyed reading this, I want to know why Max’s private life is public already? Is he famous? I like the part about Mason possibly being a girl and then realising the new arrival was alluding to someone else.
Lady A x
Unfortunately, you didn’t “catch me.”
The writing is pretty strong on the line level, but you didn’t snag my interest right away. I want to see some action. What are the stakes? Where is the tension? Why should I care about this character and his problems?
Also, I agree with Kate–there is too much description of people’s clothes and how they look for the first 500 words.
On a side note, most publishing professionals suggest that you never open a novel with a line of dialogue. You always start with narrative. Just a suggestion.
I think if you put in some strong tension, you could have something really interesting though.
-Kaitlyn
Nocturnal Readings
So, I instantly like the horn dog who opens the door. Not sure why, but I feel like he’s an honest kind of guy. 🙂 Nothing’s really sinking its claws in me, though, to keep reading. This feels like a chapter two once you’ve already hooked the reader.
Keep going, though. I’d read on to see what’s what with Pigtail’s sister.
Marie, http://marierearden.blogspot.com
Hey Loralie,
Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a helpful comment.
I liked this excerpt. Very well written. I’d keep reading.
Yes, I would keep reading.
The characters ring true. The dialogue tells the story and fleshes out the character. It’s all showing w/out telling. It leaves me with enough questions to be intrigued, but not confused. Good job.
I enjoyed this. I didn’t find there to be too much description of the clothing-I found it refreshing to have a clear picture of the characters in my head because for most of the other entires, I haven’t had a great image.
I think this is a great start. You did an excellent job of really introducing Zach. Small lines like his private life already being public pulled me into his character. I like him.
One thought–there seem to be a lot of rather cliche movement–eye rolling, raising of eyebrows, smirking. I might think of other ways to show a character’s thoughts that aren’t so traditional.
I would certainly keep reading!
I liked this! Zach seems like an interesting character, all your characters seem pretty intriguing, all unique.
A little more hinting and a little less telling would of been good, if you know what I mean. Just to make everyone a bit more curious as to what is really going on.
I’d keep reading, awesome job!
I enjoy the MC in this piece. He seems like he’d be a fun guy to spend a couple dozen chapters with. Lol 🙂
I also really like the voice and the dialogue. The dialogue especially. It really rings true. (The tea-bagging noobs line, in particular. I’ve got a gamer for a brother, so I hear things like that a lot.)
Great work! Thanks so much for sharing!
Oh, hey, just wanted to pop by and let you know I gave you the Stylish Blogger and One Lovely Blog award. They’re waiting on my page! 🙂