As in An angel without a god is a like a puppet without strings.
Today, Slice of the Blog Pie is hosting an awesome and amazing blogfest. If you’ve stopped by for the A-Z challenge, maybe you’d like to take a break from the letters and go check out all the up-and-comers in the fiction world ^_^. Just click the link, it’ll be fun.
The basic premise is simple. Below is the query for my novel. I’m hoping for feedback to make it sparkle and shine. I’m wearing my big-girl eyeballs so I can take the critique – give it to me straight.
From what I’ve been able to determine, a query should do one thing: tell what the book is about.
But it’s never that simple. Because it also has to make that story sound interesting enough to want to read more, and not sound like all the other stories out there in the same genre, and oh yeah, if it had some of the author’s voice in it, that would be pretty epic, too.
I won’t get into the other things a query letter should or shouldn’t be. Other people have beat that Twinkie to death already. Keeping all of that in mind, below is my query letter. *deep breath*. Have at it.
Update 1 (10:45 AM MT): After the first few bits of feedback, I’ve tried to tweak this. Y’all are awesome, keep the notes coming, please 🙂 (and to my awesome CP – yeah, think…rewrites are coming in the near future…)
Dear Agent:
The old gods never died, they just faded into less conspicuous day jobs.
As an assassin for one of the most powerful gods around, the archangel Uriel just has one teensy problem with her job: she’s not so keen on killing. She gets that other pantheons detract from her own deity, and that faith equals power. But after she falls for her first target and has to off him anyway, none of that holds as much weight.
Enter the Norse god, Loki. He’s found a loophole in her employment contract and is happy to help her exploit it. All he’s asking in return is for her affection. She sees no reason to turn down the attentions of a god offering her indulgence, glory, and a kick-ass wardrobe. Never mind the threats to banish her to oblivion every time she pisses him off.
Uriel thinks she’s going insane when the voice in her head – her conscience? – starts bad mouthing her man. Turns out someone forgot to tell her she was made from recycled angel parts, and the original owner wants its life back. It’s promising power. Not the kind that stops traffic or rules countries; the kind that will ensure she’ll never have to kill again.
When she examines her choices, Uriel realizes picking infatuation means her destruction, and siding with power means losing her sanity. Tired of being controlled, she must question everything she knows if she’s going to become her own angel.
The urban fantasy, URIEL’S FALL is complete at 70,000 words. My short story, APATHY’S HERO, which appeared in the Winter 2010 issue of ‘A Thousand Faces’, is the inspiration for the universe housing URIEL’S FALL. My work has appeared in several other anthologies including books from Pill Hill Press and Wicked East Press.
On a personal note, I enjoy URL/site name and always look forward to your (thoughts on, segments on, weekly short stories, etc).
Thank you for your time.
Hi, Loralie, I’ll get right to it. Comments embedded. No, of course I’m not yelling. Hope this is helpful to you:
Dear Agent:
An angel without a god is like a puppet without strings: useless unless it finds its purpose. What’s yours, Pinocchio? I THINK I WOULD PUT THIS IN ITALICS OR QUOTES. WACKY!
This is why Uriel is aggravated with the voice living in her head. Well, that and it keeps dissing her boyfriend. NICE, I CAN SEE HER SHRUG.
Uriel loves the idea of spending time with mortals BUT WHAT IS SHE? AND WHAT IS HER BOYFRIEND?. She imagines physical sensations the angel can’t experience in her ethereal form I LOVE IT ALL, BUT I NEED TO KNOW THE CONSTRUCT — IS SHE AN ANGEL WHO CHOSE TO BE A MORTAL? OR HALF AND HALF? SHE GETS HER WISH AND…?. Unfortunately the wonders of chocolate brownie cherry chunk ice- I WOULDN’T HYPHENATE cream aren’t enough to overwhelm the side effects of sore feet and bad tips that come with working TEMPTED TO ADD ’12 HOUR WAITRESSING SHIFTS’.
When the Norse god, Loki, enters her life HOW? IS SHE NOT ON EARTH? AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THE VOICE?, things start looking up THIS IS VAGUE, AND IT WOULD BE GREAT TO USE THE SPACE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC. Not only does his presence make the pain go away THIS TYPE OF PAIN SEEMS WHOLLY DIFFERENT FROM ABOVE, SO I WOULD EXPLAIN, but he offers her everything she’s ever wanted: indulgence, glory, and a kick-ass wardrobe IS HE THE BOYFRIEND FROM ABOVE? I ASSUME YES, BUT IT’D BE TERRIFIC TO HAVE IT CONNECTED. All he requires in return is her loyalty, and she can do that that, right? I WOULD SKIP THE RHETORICAL SINCE WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS YET. PERHAPS ‘SHE CAN DO THAT… MAYBE’ TYPE OF THING. Never mind the threats to banish her to oblivion every time she pisses him off LOVE THAT HER VOICE STAYS CONSISTENT.
Uriel thinks she’s going insane when the voice in her head – her conscience? – starts bad mouthing her man THIS MAKES THE QUERY QUITE CIRCULAR (SAY THAT THREE TIMES FAST, I DARE YA) I WOULD SUGGEST STRAIGHTENING IT OUT CHRONOLOGICALLY. It’s I WOULD SEPARATE TO ‘THE VOICE IS PROMISING HER POWER.’ promising power. Not the kind that stops traffic or rules countries; COMMA INSTEAD the kind that can obliterate WATCH ‘OBLIVION’ ‘OBLITERATE’ — NOT SURE IF YOU WANT THAT anyone who stands in her way.
Uriel must choose between Loki and the voice WHY?. Picking infatuation means her destruction, and siding with power means losing her sanity STILL DON’T QUITE GET THE EITHER-OR. Neither option is tempting. Uriel must reexamine everything she knows if she’s going to find a third choice COULD BE STRONGER, SORRY.
The urban fantasy, I WOULD SKIP THE COMMA URIEL’S FALL is complete at 70,000 words. My short story, APATHY’S HERO, which appeared in the Winter 2010 issue of ‘A Thousand Faces’, is the inspiration for the universe housing URIEL’S FALL EXCELLENT. My work has appeared in several other anthologies including books from Pill Hill Press and Wicked East Press PERFECT.
It isn’t very clear what’s going on in this story. Angels are from one myhtology, Loki from another, and the voice a rather a vague idea. So a bit confusing unless you’re very clear.
Most of what you describe feels quite arbitrary, she doesn’t need to do anything in particular, just happens to find herself in certain situations.
I like the angel tempted by physical emotion and sensation, but it didn’t seem to lead anywhere, just added background.
What is Uriel’s purpose? Why is she working a normal job? What does Loki want from her? I found it hard to pinpoint what this story is about other than a girl not sure about her boyfriend, which could be any story. I think you need more specifics and a better indication of the hook.
Hope that helps,
mood
Moody Writing
Well, the first line hooks me. But I don’t like the Pinoccio line.
I get a little lost after that because it changes voices… and then even more so when norse god comes in? I’ve never heard of it. And if she doesn’t experience things like humans, why does her feet hurt?
If I were an agent, I’d glance at pages if they were there but otherwise pass. I need more specifics… Though I like how you give the details of the brownie.
Brandi from Blkosiner’s Book Blog
Sorry I can’t be more useful, but I love your rewrite. The voice is great and I literally laughed out loud at ‘her conscience?’ haha! I’d definitely read this.
Ok… Here’s my 2 cents. I think the voice has been watered down a little in this version. The plot is clearer (although it might be worth mentioning a few specific events rather than just giving a vague overview of her problem) but Ronnie’s voice, which is so strong, is getting lost.
And one little specific for you…
Dear Agent:
The old gods never died, they just faded into less conspicuous day jobs.
Created to be an assassin for one of the most powerful gods currently in power YOU USED POWERFUL AND POWER IN THE SAME SENTENCE. USE A DIFFERENT WORD FOR ONE OR THE OTHER,
I don’t have any editorial comments but I like what you have going for this right now. In fact, I learned more about the story that I didn’t know. It sounded a little weird to have someone refer to Loki as “her man” but I get where it’s going with the sentence. Clearly I need to read the draft you sent me to see all these parts of the novel. I’m definitely interested.
I like the voice in this but did find the story confusing.
I started to like where it was going when she fell for a guy she was hired to kill, but did she actually kill him? If it’s not going to be a love interest drop it from the query or strengthen him to come back for her later.
I’d end the first paragraph with ‘…not so keen on killing.’ Then straight to ‘Enter Loki, Norse god…’
I’d drop the entire paragraph that says ‘Uriel thinks she’s going insane’. It’s not necessary and confuses the story. I also think the left-over angle parts was confusing – so just chop the whole para.
With the ‘When she examines her choices..’ I’d drop that too and just wind it up with ‘Tired of being controlled…..’
This would also help because the query is a bit too long as it is anyway.
Hope this helps 🙂
Wagging Tales – Blog for Writers
Urban fantasy is not a genre I’m familiar with, but in general, you give us a lot of backstory before you finally get to the conflict the MC faces. You give not even a hint of how she will go about resolving her delimma. The first few paragraphs were not engaging to me. The first line doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the story. I’d try writing it more in terms of the plot than the backstory. Try to get me involved in the story, but leave me wanting to know more.
Ok see, I LOVE the voice in your rewrite. I would change the ‘faded into less conspicuous day jobs’ to something like ‘instead they were just demoted to less flashy day jobs.’ And instad of ‘not so keen on killing’, something like ‘she’s not big on the actual assassination part’….I don’t know. The not keen kinda stuck out a little and didn’t feel as natural to her. Ultimately though, I think you’ve got more than enough going on here for an agent to want a closer look.
Awesome premise, I love Mythology stories with a modern twist. It feels very “good omems” But overall I confused about the first man she falls for and then has to kill and her relationship with Loki. As a main character she seems a little hard to relate to.
But still that wouldn’t keep me from reading the first couple of pages to see where it was going.
Hi Loralie, I love your premise, and I would want to read your story.
Here are my notes:
The old gods never died, they just faded into less conspicuous day jobs. I love this line
As an assassin for one of the most powerful gods around, the archangel Uriel just has one teensy problem with her job: she’s not so keen on killing. She gets that other pantheons detract from her own deity, and that faith equals power. But after she falls for her first target and has to off him anyway, none of that holds as much weight.
Enter the Norse god, Loki. He’s found a loophole in her employment contract and is happy to help her exploit it. All he’s asking in return is for her affection. She sees no reason to turn down the attentions of a god offering her indulgence, glory, and a kick-ass wardrobe. Never mind the threats to banish her to oblivion every time she pisses him off. Not sure abour this line. I know it’s funny, but I find it hard to connect with a character who would date a guy who threatens her for annoying him.
Uriel thinks she’s going insane when the voice in her head – her conscience? – starts bad mouthing her man. Turns out someone forgot to tell her she was made from recycled angel parts, and the original owner wants its life back. It’s promising power. Not the kind that stops traffic or rules countries; the kind that will ensure she’ll never have to kill again. Shouldn’t she be more threatened by this? If the other angel wants its life back, does that mean he’s going to take back her body?
When she examines her choices, Uriel realizes picking infatuation means her destruction, and siding with power means losing her sanity. Tired of being controlled, she must question everything she knows if she’s going to become her own angel. This last line feels a little cliche.