The awesome and talented Brenda Drake is hosting another amazing contest*. This one is epic enough that it’s pulled another weekend post from me. I’m starting to like Sunday posts though, so I’m thinking maybe I’ll swap it out for either Monday or Thursday…we’ll see.
ANYWAY…Here’s how it works:
Natalie is all about the voice and wants you to show it in your first 250 words of your finished manuscript. When critiquing each others’ entries, look for voice and please keep your comments nice and helpful, not snarky.
Click Here for more details ^_^
And as always, since I only have one completely finished ms
Name: Loralie Hall
Title: Uriel’s Fall
Genre: Urban Fantasy
I’m posting two separate exerpts, I’m sorry. One is from the prologue and one is chapter 1, and I’m trying to determine which has a stronger representation of my voice.
Update: After some great and helpful feedback, I’m pulling the prologue down because 1 – it’s not the same voice as the rest of the book and 2 – Ms. Natalie Fischer isn’t a fan of prologues. I’ll be back a little later with some changes to my chapter 1 based on all the great things y’all have offered up so far.
Chapter 1
“Ronnie.” The waitress’s voice carried over the clatter of dishes on stainless steel in the diner kitchen. “You’ve got someone on twelve.”
“Thanks Sue.” Ronnie flashed her coworker a smile and wove her way around harried cooks and waiters. She said a silent thank you for a busier than usual night at the family-style restaurant. The bedlam kept her from focusing on the persistent growl in her stomach and her aching feet. Mortality wasn’t turning out to be the grand fantasy she had built it into.
Something nudged the edge of her senses. It pushed away the feelings of the people around her, smothering her innate empathy. Her skin itched like it was being invaded by a thousand burning pin-pricks. She turned her attention toward a man sitting in the corner booth, a cup of coffee in front of him.
It wasn’t that he was radiating anything unpleasant. It was more as if he sucked in and obliterated any emotion nearby. The human void had caught her attention every time she walked by, never meeting her gaze. She decided his inattention was a good thing and turned back to table twelve. Her canvas sneakers shuffled along the worn but clean carpet as she wove her way across the diner.
The man at the table felt more welcoming. He didn’t radiate any strong emotion, though he wasn’t a vacuum, either. The neutral vibe drifted off him like aromatherapy.
So…thoughts? And for showing voice, prologue or chapter 1?
And go visit everyone else as well!
*For those of you who don’t remember, she hosted the Dark and Stormy Blogfest contestmy entry
The prologue was interesting and well-written, but it didn’t grab me the way your first chapter did.
Mortality wasn’t turning out to be the grand fantasy she had built it into.
That has has the perfect amount of info to hook me- great line!
I am not a big fan of prologues, so I vote for the first Chapter- not only that, but I think it showcases voice better.
This is very well written, and super intriguing. My only crit. (and this has nothing to do with voice, so I debated whether to even mention it!) was the bits of telling rather than showing.
This sentence: “It was more as if he sucked in and obliterated any emotion nearby.” Is great! Love it. But I want to know what about him made her feel like that. Was it the way he looked? What is it that gives her that vibe?
Best of luck to you!
Steph
I agree, I think your chap 1 is much stronger than your prologue. It’s really well written.
Oh I definitely vote for the first chapter. Damn those human vacuums and their ability suck emotion dry!
I’m with the others. baaaaa…!
I like the first chapter. And I agree with Steph – ground that unpleasant sucky feeling with some nod to the senses (I like the prickly rash thing) – perhaps he is hard to look at – too beige or her eye’s just slide off him without gaining purchase – etc…
Jan Morrison
Okay, I’m going to be the squeaky wheel… I really love the prologue…
I think it’s because I knew immediately from the title that it was a story that involved angels and there seem to be quite a few of them out there (not that I don’t want more, as far as I’m concerned there cannot ever be too many angel or dystopian books, plus I write them myself…) so I sort of had an expectation of the idea of the story, if that makes any sense.
But your prologue was totally different from any angel story I’ve yet read. Totally unique and thusly it grabbed me right off. I also felt that you DID give a strong sense of voice inasmuch as we know immediately that Cherubim is rather an innocent thing, filling with very human sorts of longing for something ‘more’. It daydreams (come on heavenly things daydreaming, how awesome is that?!) and it’s willing to do anything to have a chance at those dreams, even if it doesn’t understand what ‘anything’ might be.
All that said, you had me nailed in the first chapter too, although it wasn’t a done deal until I got to the ‘Mortality wasn’t turning out to be the grand fantasy she had built it into.’ line. I pretty much skimmed the first several sentences until the word ‘mortality’ snagged me. That line is the cat’s meow. If you could somehow make it your first line, you’d get anyone who can read english to keep going. And everything after that line is tight and engaging too. It’s only the first section that I didn’t like.
In my head I got this vibe from the opening:
‘Somewhere, in a stereotypical greasy spoon diner is a stereotypical ragged waitress who is anything but what she seems…bla bla bla…’
Then you hit the ‘Mortality’ line and it’s like ‘hot damn this girl can write, give me more!’ And after that you could have been describing the toilet seats and I’d have kept reading 🙂
Chapter 1, definitely. I like how you described the man who “sucked in and obliterated” emotion. The Prologue is intriguing, but a bit wishy-washy in the sense that I’m not quite sure what the Cherubim is, how it exists, etc. I’m sure you explain it later on, but for this blogfest I think Chapter 1 showcases your voice better.
I found the prologue fascinating, but it really was the first chapter that grabbed me. Just little details that came out, like the mortality line. You’ve got me very interested, and I think the voice comes out better there. Great job with this!
I like the prologue, but the first chapter definitely has more of the actual ‘voice’ of the book in it. Plus, the ‘human void’ is a fascinating introduction to the character and really drags you in, wanting to know more.
@ A. Grey – you just made my entire day, thank you ^_^
And to everyone so far, thank you for the great insight. I’ve pulled the prologue down because regardless of how I do or don’t feel it enhances the story, Kate’s right and it’s not in the same voice as the rest of the book. (this is why she’s the most amazing CP in all of history. She keeps me honest ;-))
Ahh, another great contest/fest that I can’t take part in. One of these days I’ll have a finished product. Anyways, enough about me.
I hadn’t read chapter 1 yet, but I’d seen the prologue a few times on the blog and since you sent me the document. I really should read more. There are definitely some great elements in this. Good luck with the voice contest. I’m cheering for you! 😉
Wow, I am really intrigued by the mortality bit. I would use conjunctions, but other than that, I really liked this beginning. I felt pulled into the scene immediately.
Hey! I remember this from one of the MSFV critiques or contests! I’ve never read this bit before but I remember liking what I read from later on, and this whets my appetite for more. I too adore the mortality line, its a great hook. I’m going to go with suggesting you spend a little more time with your setting and senses. Any time you’re somewhere new or have had some physical change and you’re not entirely comfortable, you’re hyperaware of your surroundings and all the little things that are annoying you, so bring that out here. Show us her otherness in her reactions to the disappointing reality of mortality. Maybe wincing at the clatter of dishes when she’s used to the melodic harmonies of celestial choirs. Or the smell of grease and fat. How does she feel about having a zit marring her skin for the first time? I don’t know, just throwing stuff out there, but you get the idea.
I second Kalen’s comment. I’m definitely intrigued, but the description of the diner in this paragraph could be improved:
“Thanks Sue.” Ronnie flashed her coworker a smile and wove her way around harried cooks and waiters. She said a silent thank you for a busier than usual night at the family-style restaurant. The bedlam kept her from focusing on the persistent growl in her stomach and her aching feet. Mortality wasn’t turning out to be the grand fantasy she had built it into.
I don’t like “family-style restaurant”. Mostly because I’m not really sure what that means. You call it a diner later on, which I feel is probably more accurate from your descriptions. But I really liked the last sentence of your paragraph. I’m reading this after you took down your prologue, but just from that sentence I suspected it was about angels. As far as I know, they’re the only ones who can trade mortality for humanity? So yeah, I’d just like more description but I’m definitely intrigued and I’d read on!
I arrived after you took down the prologue (and BTW, mine has one too, and I debated which “first 250” to use–went with the prologue, because I felt like it meets NF’s criteria of what works) so I can only comment on this section.
I like your description of waitressing, and the creepy guy. my only hesitation is that it reads a lot like a Sookie Stackhouse opening–I mean a lot. Since you are writing about a waitress that is more than she seems (or would that be less in her case?), you will have an inevitable comparison. Maybe take a look at those books if you haven’t already read them?
This is a good beginning and I can already feel her aching feet. I am wondering about the man and what her comment about “mortality” actually means.
You have my interest.
Interesting! I like the empathy and being privy to how it feels for her. I agree with everyone else too who said their favorite line was Mortality wasn’t turning out to be the grand fantasy she had built it into.
Very interesting. I like your decriptions and while I didn’t see the original prologue, I’m glad you’ve opted to start with Ch. 1 (I don’t care for prologues either and your first chapter pulled me in just fine). I’m curious as to the way your MC perceives everyone around her. . . I would definitely read on:) http://www.veritasoccultus.blogspot.com
I got kind of confused between the first man (the voidy guy) and the second – there wasn’t a clear transition, in my opinion anyway, from the one to the other.
It kind of reminds me of the beginning of True Blood when we first see Sookie, to be honest.
Still, I’m intrigued and would want to read on to find out what the deal is with the two guys we’ve met already.
I didn’t see the prologue, but in general I think prologues are bandaids trying to fix a bigger problem in the story and shouldn’t be necessary.
I like that we immediately get the idea of place and intrigued by the question of her mortality and her awareness.
One note – she’s stressed/harried on a busy night. The pacing of the sentences themselves read too long, too descriptive to show the reader how frantic it is. That is just a personal thing. Sometimes a more staccato beat helps with energy.
This flows really nicely, there’s just the right amount of description too. I love the mortality line. I do sense the voice as well. Interesting. I didn’t get a chance to see the prologue, but if it works with the story, then hey, give it a try ;o)
Great job!
Mortality wasn’t turning out to be the grand fantasy she had built it into. –awesome line!!! Is there any way that could be the opening sentence?
Not a fan of prologues either, agree with the previous comment about the opening line. The characters are strongly sketched, good action too
I didn’t catch the prologue but this first chapter is interesting! I’d lose the “on stainless steel counter” from the beginning.
And the only other thing was you had a line in there about “radiating” then the paragraph below you used radiate. Maybe change one of those up! Other than that, I’d definitely read on. Good job!
I’m a fan. My only advice (which isn’t relevant to this contest, but here it is), it that we’ll need to know fairly soon what’s wrong with her and who she was. Otherwise, readers will probably get frustrated.
I think you def a great start that is interesting. I am just not sure that the first lines really pull me in and tell me about the story.
I didn’t arrive in time to read the prologue, but you have some great things working for you. I agree that the line, “Mortality wasn’t turning out to be the grand fantasy she had built it into.” is great!
It was a bit hard to separate the two men, and at first I thought “someone on twelve” meant on the phone. I don’t know why. Probably just me. 🙂
Otherwise, you have great flow.