I’m old school internet. As in, LOL was part of my rhetoric before most people knew what AOL was. It also means I’m not a stranger to the epic world of online dating. I met guys online and then in person

1. Before it was socially acceptable, and
2. While it was still only supposedly not safe, not actually not safe.

I lurked online dating sites while they were still little more than message boards, were still mostly free, and didn’t have spiffy matching algorithms that told me I was amongst the 20% of people who couldn’t be matched by an algorithm (eharmony.com told me that. I laughed.) If you’ve never been a female and listed your status as ‘single but looking’ or even ‘married but looking’ in an online community, let me fill you in on how it works.

Ariana’s Profile: I’m a tall, snarky redhead who is turned on by intelligent conversation. Wow me with your wit and we’ll take it from there. Not big on superficial dorks, clingy posers, or arrogant assholes. Love to talk to you if you’re not one of the above.

If you’re me, (which I am, usually…) the above is a very pleasant way of saying “impress me in ten words or less”. And other mean things that most of my girl readers can probably derive.

So…profile goes up. And messages roll in. Once again, if you’ve never done this before you may think I’m exaggerating to say that the first 1-3 days after this profile goes up/is edited, I could expect 20-50 emails a day. Not quite as many as a literary agent (in case you wanted a hint of where this is going), but still a lot.

99% of the responses look like this:

• U sound hawt. Heres my digits
• You sound like a smart individual. I like redheads. Message me back if you’d like to talk
• You’re funny. I like funny girls. Here’s some pictures of me. Send me your pics.

Once again, if you’re me…delete, delete, delete. Imagine if I were a literary agent instead. that’s 85-95% of my inbox gone just like that because…you didn’t read my profile, you didn’t try and impress me, you made it all about how kick ass you are and thinly veiled it as an attempt to get me to bestow praises on you.

And then there’s one. The 1%. It says something more like…

Is it true redheads only drink taquila at midnight when surrounded by demon bunnies? I’m always up for intelligent, but few people really are. Liked your profile (duh), write back if you want to chat. Delete me if you don’t.

And an eyebrow raises, and I almost smile. And I hit ‘reply’. And…the agent just requested sample pages. But not always. Sometimes I’m still a little sick from the tequila and not in the mood to be mocked for it. Or I’m tired of bunnies. Or I just replied to a different guy who used sarcasm and aloofness as his hook.

A couple more emails fly back and forth. Sometimes they stop after one. Sorry, rejection on your partial. It might be because you’ve honed your introduction e-mail, but the rest of the document sucks. It might just be because after the inneundo dies down, one of you likes macadamias and the other doesn’t.

Pattern continues…wanna meet for drinks sometime? (i.e. send me your full manuscript).

You get the picture…I hope 😉

My point is most guys are schmucks.. Sorry, that was my point 12 years ago. And I actually really love guys – half my friends are male…and stopping before I dig this hole any deeper. My point today is…online dating is like searching for an agent. Except as writers we’re all (regardless of gender), the poor witty guy who has to have just the right line at just the right time without looking like he’s trying to hard.

Now that I’ve had this revelation, I feel more sympathy for anyone who has to sift through piles of genetalia pictures query letters on a daily basis. Like, a lot more.

But it doesn’t do anything to reduce my craving to be that 1% who said just the right thing at just the right time…I promise to leave the compromising pictures out until at least the third date…#batseyelashes